Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Gone Fishin'

Mike, as usual, has been distant. No, he hasn't been distant. We talk about safe things like tv shows, how his day at work went, the weather. What I think I mean is unemotional. In particular, towards me.

Last night I went fishing for a compliment. I didn't even get a nibble. I've been wanting some embellishment for my tattoo and so it was on my mind. I decided to approach things with that.

Here's what happened -

Me: Ya know.. when I got the tattoo, I was kinda hoping you'd think it was sexy.
Him: *Shrug*
Me: Well, I suppose it wouldn't matter because, even if I lost weight, I still wouldn't be pretty.  (That's the fishing part.)
Him: *blink*

-Pause-

Him: You can be sexy sometimes.

-Pause-

Him: You're a good person.

 I suppose I could consider that a compliment. Maybe I should.. but I didn't. I took it as he doesn't think I'm pretty. This is already pretty much ingrained in my mind and it would take a bomb to get it out. It was however a small river that carved the Grand Canyon. Maybe if I got complimented once in a while, a little at a time, a bomb wouldn't be needed.

I get complimented on my cooking. That's about all. I never get told I look nice, that I am pretty. Never. Ok, sometimes after fishing really hard but that isn't the same. (I tell him all the time that he looks nice or that's a good color for him, etc.)

Here's the worst part! He does not lie. Not that I know of anyway. That makes me wonder if he can't/won't say those compliments I crave so badly because it would mean he'd either have to be hurtful (honest) or honest (lie)? 

Thinking about this the rest of the night put me in a sad kind of mood. We're supposed to be trying to rebuild our marriage, or at least hold it steady. Once again, like the whole marriage to date, I cannot do it alone.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Things That Go Bump In The Night

I remember being terrified there was a monster in my closet or under my bed. I would turn off the bedroom light and run and do a flying leap onto my bed. I imagined the monster under my bed reaching for my ankles and missing them thanks to my clever maneuver. Needless to say, closing the closet door at night was a must. And never EVER let an appendage hang over the side of the bed! I also remember that if I did hear a noise, I felt a lot safer if I pulled the covers up to my chin or even over my head (in extreme circumstances).

Funny how I transitioned  from that into liking what my daughter calls 'dead body shows'. I enjoy watching forensic type shows. There's one I watch where the narrator's voice is so soothing that I listen to it as I fall asleep at night. I recently watched a documentary on Netflix about the Body Farm in Tennessee. Disturbing, but interesting.

I'm fascinated (now) with ghost hunting and haunted places type shows. The more realistic, the better. I can't say with one percent certainty those shows with  people going into haunted places are true but I like watching them collect evidence with all their gadgets. EVPs, Mel Meters, voice boxes, thermal cameras. Oh MY!

I have a bookmark on my browser for a really nice ghost hunting kit. I'm not sure if I would ever have the guts to use it. A couple month ago, I almost went to the old Eastern State Penitentiary in West Virginia. It's supposed to be one of the most haunted places in the country. Finances and time constraints were a problem and the plan was cancelled.

Maybe someday I'll be able to go. Until then? I'll keep the closet door closed at night and my hands and feet on the bed.

Friday, August 09, 2013

No WoW

Ever since I had to give up my desktop computer back in December, I haven't been able to play World of Warcraft. I did get a real basic and inexpensive laptop a few months later but it just doesn't have much oomph. I can play, with a teeny bit of lag, at Pogo Games. I can do most stuff (games) on Facebook.

I sure do miss World of Warcraft though!!!

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Hannah Runs

I've always felt bad for Hannah hardly ever being able to run free. The couple times she has was at the fenced in area at our storage unit. Mostly because I've always been fearful she would run off and I'd lose her. She's spent her outdoor life on a leash or tie-out (to go potty).

There's been a lot of rain this summer. For a while it seemed like every day! My yard got soggy. Hannah will not walk on soggy grass. I'd put her on her tie-out and let her out the door. She would sniff the grass, look at me and run back up the stairs. No amount of effort on my part could get her to step on that evil grass.

This led to taking her out the front door where there isn't as much sogginess. One problem. She's strong and can pull me and/or pull me down. I'd have Mike take her out when he'd get home.

One night I got brave. I let her out the door unleashed. She did her business without wandering too far. She came when I called her. I'm not so sure she would have if there had been distractions.. another dog, people, etc. I'm still not so sure. But I'm trusting her more.

Back to the point of this post -

Knowing the grass was soggy today, I let her out the front. I was holding her leash just in case. I let her wander farther away. And farther. Then I rattled her leash and called her. And she RAN to me. I did this with her over and over.

I don't know who enjoyed it more.. me or her.

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Messed Up

I am very opinionated. That's a fact. Sometimes that's good and other times it gets me in trouble. But I'm always honest and, when asked, will tell it how I see it. Ok ok.. sometimes I don't always wait to be asked. *blink*

One problem is that my opinions are skewed by a past of abuse, lies and the ordinary and extraordinary things life will throw at you. I sometimes react in a way (maybe) the majority of people wouldn't. I've worked hard exorcizing the demons of my past. They are not an excuse for me or my actions anymore. Yet, old habits are hard to break.

I also have a degree of paranoia. I constantly worry about what others think of me. This can be very distracting and, in part, keeps me inside. I worry people will be repulsed by my obesity. In the store, I actually look around to see if I'm the fattest person there. Usually I am. I'm ashamed to eat in the car because I worry someone will drive by and think 'no wonder she's fat'. (I know at least one other person who shares this with me.) Because I'm a smoker, so I try to keep away from people so I don't offend them with my smoky smell.

Hmm. I'm a bit surprised how much I was able to come up with.. and how quickly. I better go think on it.



Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Good News - Bad News

First the good news. We finally decided a second dog wasn't the way to go for us. Last Sunday we adopted an 8 week old Humane Society kitten and named him Simon. He's already had his first shots and has been neutered. He and Hannah are working on becoming friends. We love him to pieces!


Here he is just chillin'.




I put up a YouTube video of Fishies for him to watch.



Now the bad news. After doing so well (for months and months and months) on my current psyche meds.. well.. I'll just say they need to be changed. My depression is getting really bad and my anxiety level is HIGH. (I have an appointment this month on the 27th.) I feel almost frozen in place and even the most mundane things are extremely hard for me right now.

I also have a fractured foot.



PLUS - About a month ago my primary physician took me off the med that helps with the stomach disease I have which was caused by diabetes. She said thought it was the culprit behind some other symptoms I'd been having. Ever since then I've had recurring stomach pain.

There's a couple other things going on but think I'm already sounding like a bit of a hypochondriac. I'll stop here.


Thursday, November 15, 2012

Maybe I'm Asking Too Much

I have all these thoughts rambling around in my head. Maybe if I put them down I can make some sense of them.

About a week ago I got hit hard with baby fever.. as in a puppy or a kitten. Something I could hold in my arms and cuddle with. Sure, we have Hannah, but she's a cow and doesn't settle down enough to *cuddle*. (We were told Labs calm down after a year. She's almost 4. :P)

Last Saturday we went to a pet store just to look. Uh huh.. sure! I fell in love with a teeny tiny Teddy Bear type puppy and we bought him. The next day we took him back.

See, I still have some panic/agoraphobic issues. We can just put Hannah on a tie out. For the puppy though I'd have to take him out many times a day while he's being potty trained. I didn't think I could do that. I kind of knew I couldn't do that. Not consistently. I was heartbroken about returning him and frustrated with myself for not being a *normal* person.

I still have baby fever. We decided against a really small dog and have moved up to medium sized. We've also decided against a baby for the reason I mentioned above. Maybe a young to adult dog. I've scoured classified ads, shelters, Humane Societies and Craigslist every day this week. I only found one dog that whole time and by the time I called it already had a new home.

This might be because I'm asking for too much. I've redefined my search criteria. I want a cute dog with lots of personality. I prefer spayed female. It has to be a snuggler without being needy. Potty trained and crate trained. Medium to low activity and medium to low maintenance. Walk well on a leash. Gets along with Hannah.

Hannah. That's the other thing that's occupied a lot of my thoughts. She's very used to being the only dog. She knows all the names of her toys and will bring them to us when asked. She knows what time of night she gets her treat. She loves(!) chasing a laser light. She knows different words we say to her and her favorite thing is to go bye-bye.

So many questions! How would bringing a new dog into the mix affect her? (She got slightly jealous of the puppy we had for a day and night.)  Would she share her toys? How would we make a new dog feel comfortable in its new home and still give her the attention she needs? It's so confusing.

I suppose I need to mentioned the "one pet rule" in our mobile home community. Lots of people have cats and a dog. That gets overlooked by management. Quite a few people have more than one dog. I'm not sure how strongly that is enforced, but that's why we want a smaller dog. Harder to spot. ;)

I guess I'll keep looking. There's a dog out there somewhere for us. Maybe.